my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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