Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
