I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
