I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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