I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
