is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
