I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
