i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
