sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
