just survived the first fart of the relationship.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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