im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I am mentally ready for anal.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
