No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
