Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
