At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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