Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize