Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
