and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
