the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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