I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
