Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You took a bar mat shot.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
