Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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