Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
