in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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