dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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