I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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