If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
