I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
