my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
