Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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