We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
