Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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