I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
