I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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