dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize