I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
