He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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