I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Terrible idea I love it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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