if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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