I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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