My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
