he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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