I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
