remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
