oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize