So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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