I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
