mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
