I'm eating all of the evidence.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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