it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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