even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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