24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize