okay pat passed out under dana's car
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
