Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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