i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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