it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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