i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
