Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
