Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
