i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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