i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I did not marry a roomba.
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