it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
