I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
