i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
